Miresmele copilariei (I)

Miroase a ardei copt şi a vinete coapte... Cine ar fi crezut că aici, în mijlocul unui oraş atât de gălăgios şi gri, poate să miroasă a vacanţă? Închid ochii, strivind două mărgele amare între pleoape, şi îmi amintesc de vacanţele mari din curtea casei părinteşti. August era doar începutul. Ne pregăteam deja de iarnă. Toată lumea muncea de zor printre legumele cu zâmbet încă văratic. Roşii, ardei, vinete, morcovi, varză, castraveţi etc. Asteptau cuminţi să devină pe rând provizii pentru cămara cu bunătăţi. 

Astfel, când gerul alb îşi făcea simţită prezenţa, singura noastră grijă, a copiilor, era câte întrebuinţări poate avea un strat pufos de zapadă.
Munceam cu drag atunci. Era obositor, dar şi frumos... Şi acum aş face la fel, dar... Vacanţele mari nu mai  există. Timpul nu s-a îndurat... Necruţător ca întotdeauna, a întors filele inocenţei una câte una până la epuizare... Iar copilăria şi-a luat tălpăşiţa mai repede decât credeam vreodată. A rămas în urma ei doar o povară imensă care stoarce lacrimi din când în când...

M-am bucurat de anii de copil ca de o carte care îmi place la nebunie şi pe care o citesc pe nerăsuflate, fără să-mi dau seama că o voi termina prea repede... Diferenţa este că pot oricând să recitesc orice carte, dar paginile copilăriei nu pot fi intoarse nicicând... decât în amintiri. Asta nu e de ajuns... Niciodată nu va fi de ajuns...

Citate dragi sufletului meu (I)

La Medeleni - Ionel Teodoreanu

"Piersicul înflorit - îl vezi şi-nchizi ochii fiindcă ai avut, cu o bătaie de inimă, icoana întâii sărutări: buzele roşii care-au zâmbit, obrajii copilăreşti care s-au înroşit. E trist un piersic înflorit, fiindcă alături de el, oricât ai fi de tânăr, eşti bătrân."

"Când eşti trist îţi vine să dormi şi să uiţi. Îţi vine să-ţi culci capul pe genunchii altcuiva care te iubeşte, sau dacă eşti singur şi n-ai pe nimeni, să ţi-l culci pe palmele tale. Da. Îţi vine să dormi când eşti trist. Şi să uiţi... Dar când te trezeşti? Iar eşti trist şi nu mai poţi s-adormi din nou..."

"Dacă pământul pe care mergi, pe care-l calci fără să te gândeşti la el - durere încorporată în paşi ca cerul în ochi - ai simţi deodată că suferă din pricina ta, fiindcă paşii tăi sunt grei; dacă ai simţi înlăuntrul lui ca o durere fără de expresie aparentă - ce-ai face: ai merge înainte sau te-ai opri?"

"Sunt oameni făcuţi ca să iubească o singură dată în viaţa lor, şi alţii făcuţi să fie iubiţi pentru totdeauna."

"Acele daruri numai care dovedesc că aducătorul lor te cunoaşte, şi-a amintit de tine, te-a reconstituit, şi-a frământat mintea culegându-ţi în amintire exclamaţiile, poftele exprimate sau înăbuşite - dau bucurie. Ele îţi arată că ai existat în sufletul celui care ţi le aduce, şi darul, astfel numai, îşi pierde semnificaţia indiferentă de lucru cumpărat, căpătând-o pe aceea de răsfrângere a dorinţei tale în afecţiunea altuia."

"Blândă ca de obicei, ea era tristă ca de obicei, dar nimeni nu ştia, căci ea zâmbea ca de obicei."

It's complicated...

Why do we wish for things we know we'll never have? Why waiting for so long for that one specific thing or person we know will never come?
There are so many people out there who are waiting and waiting for something impossible to obtain, ignoring how much they have, how happy they would be if they knew how to appreciate what they have. So they are getting old, they waste their lives craving for what they'll never have and never enjoy, instead of enjoying their present, the people around them and all the important and beautiful things God has given to them.
Somehow, they are not to blame... Because wanting more than one has, sometimes means improvement and going behind one's limit...
However, it all depends on our way to see things and on the ability to survive our own wishes...
We all know that impossible may become possible... But what if the price for that is unbearable high???...

How I envy you, Alice!

Feeling more and more that this isn't the right path... Not anymore for me... Sometimes I just want to return, no matter what the consequences are. I just want to live again those days when I could read hundreds of books without caring about eating or sleeping, to those afternoons when I could daydream for hours in the garden, among red roses and butterflies, to those nights when I was falling asleep caressed by the moon light and enchanted by the crickets' peaceful song....
Those years were not the happiest of my life, but they were definitely more serene than what I'm living now. Someone said in a song that "when you're young, life is easy", but he wasn't right at all. Because here I am, young and with a life anything but easy... I know there are people that are really unhappy and helpless, but sometimes, no matter how hard I try to ignore all the unpleasant things, I can't do it.
Life can really be overwhelming...

Yes, I want to return!!! This is not the path I want to walk on! This is not what I wished for! This forest is way too dark, those trees are too hideous, posion ivy all around  me and no blue sky above me!!! This is one of those moments when I want to seal myself into a match box and stay there forever so that no one can find me, so that nothing can hurt me! I want to be so small, like Alice, to find my own Wonderland, the Wonderland I used to dream during all my childhood, where nothing went wrong, and if it did, I would fix it immediately.

But wait! What is this feeling??? Coming out of my back, white feathers all over, huge wings! This is my chance to fly, to run away from everything I hate, from everything that kills me inside every second, to... Wait a minute! Run away? I never did that before... But it's so tempting, to fly up in the sky, to forget all the bitter I had to drink for years, all the hard ground I had to step on bare-footed, all the chances they took away from me...

And still, running away has never been a solution. I choose to stay here for a while more... Maybe... maybe... things will work my way eventually. Who knows? Somewhere in this world there has to be a little ray of light for me, a small piece of heaven I will discover if I keep walking, something, anything! that can force me to go on. I'll keep the wings... to use them at the right moment...

It doesn't feel so good... But you know what they say: Everything will be OK in the end. So if it's not OK, IT IS NOT THE END...

P.S. How I hate you, Time! Passer-by!!!!

I'm a shooting star...

...make a wish when you see me... It might come true ;)

Behind the moon and the faraway stars there's a mystical world... but you can reach it and enjoy it only if you believe in magic...

Wishes

If someone asked you: "Is it hard to make a wish?" you would say "No, how can that be hard. But it is hard to make them come true"

But how difficult is it to make the right wish? I can answer that. It is extremely difficult. We can wish for so many things but, like they say, be careful what you wish for: it may come true.

Now I'm caught in the middle of hundreds of wishes. And I'm afraid... I have so many dreams, so many hopes. What if they fulfill? What if they turn me into the happiest person on Earth? That would the best thing. But... What if they are no good for me? What if the things I wish for will hurt my soul so badly that I wouldn't want to live anymore?...

So many "What ifs"... Despite all the chances we have to take when we wish for something, I let myself live with this burden I have to carry with me. The sweet burden of all the beautiful dreams I have and that in my mind grow with the most amazing shape ever. Hopefully, if what I want turns to be better than I expected, there will be nothing to lose...

But if what I get is not what I want, I don't want to think about the despair and sadenss that will seal my life in an empty bottle...

They say...

They say she's different, crazy, special, weird, alien, born on another planet, out of normal etc. They think they know her very well. And they might be right because they are her family and friends. They know her pretty well to make statements about the way she is.
But maybe they don't know or understand why she's acting so crazily. She doesn't even know herself. Maybe because they like her being like that. They even say she is optimistic, a positive thinker. That is really odd... Years ago she used to be the most pessimistic person ever. Things have changed so much lately. She had to become stronger for them, her family and her friends. She has to support them each day, make them smile and rediscover the positive pieces from their complicated puzzle. Sometimes this is tiring, but at the same time it is very pleasant to see the ones she loves laughing and hoping again... This way she learnt to complain and cry less because there are people out there who have to face bigger problems than hers.

So she found out that helping her beloved ones when they are in need is a good thing not only for them, but at the same time for her because as she sees them gaining strength and the wish to continue, she gets the same feeling as they do... However, when sometimes she finds herself depressed and sad, she realizes that she doesn't have anyone there who could listen to her. She is sure that those who care for her would be there when she needs somebody to talk to, but she thinks it is better not to share her bad mood with anyone... except her dairy maybe...

There are the others, people who know her less, who she has just met... Who knows what they think about her? She knows that she still has that weakness from her teenage years, she knows she still lacks self-confidence most of the times. She hates that very much, but how can she change? She has tried to change for so many years. There is some progress in her attitude and behaviour but not enough... She still feels overwhelmed when talking with self-confident persons, she still feels uncomfortable when she feels that the person who she talks to is much stronger... She wishes she had changed completely because now being herself doesn't help too much. It makes her want to run away from people, she feels that people don't like her because she is too quiet and this is so unpleasant... And sometimes it makes her wanna cry and shout and disappear... But she doesn't do any of that... She has so many other things to handle that she doesn't have time to shed useless tears...

She prays for a change...